


The last and the next couple of years.

by P3arz1vaL



Category: The Half of It (2020)
Genre: F/F, Friends to Lovers, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-12
Updated: 2020-05-17
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:27:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24138112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/P3arz1vaL/pseuds/P3arz1vaL
Summary: "You." was all that I can utter.You. Who I've naively let into my heart, roused my passion and inspired a thousand thoughts.You. Who I've unknowingly came to love.
Relationships: Ellie Chu/Aster Flores
Comments: 21
Kudos: 307





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> No Beta. All mistakes are mine. Please excuse my English. Not my first language.

**_"Miss Flores, my name is Ashley. I'm the assistant. Randall Pike-the author, wants to meet you personally to discuss your terms about the use of your art pieces. We'll be glad to meet you on Friday 10AM...."_ **

The assistant led me just outside of a room and told me to wait while she came in. She's Asian, Chinese? Wearing a white button up blouse, dark jeans, eyeglasses and a ponytail. She reminds me of someone. Someone that has been my on usual thoughts for many years now. Usual because no matter how hard I tried I couldn't get myself to forget and has been my constant source of inspiration and frustration.

**See you in a couple of years.**

Those were her words that until today keeps my stubborn heart hopeful. Well, can I still consider 7 years within that permissible "couple of years"? How many years did Ellie meant when she said couple of years? I don't really know. A lot has changed. I know that I've changed.

The years in Art school has toughen me up. For one, I know that am in full control of what I want to do with my life rather than watching on the sidelines while other people decide my fate. It wasn't easy. Breaking up with Trig (I'd admit that one was easy), coming into terms with my sexuality, coming out to my parents (I can still reckon the horror on my father's face. _"Es inmoral! Es un pecado!"_ he shouted), moving out from the sleepy, old Squahamish to the big city, getting odd jobs while studying so I can support myself. I've met people, had a couple of failed relationships with both men and women, pushed myself to the limits of my creative talent so I can produce masterpieces that brought me to where I am right now.

Despite all the hardship, I never regret the path that I've taken. I did not even regret not going after Ellie. After she kissed me in the middle of the road, in the broad daylight for all the world to see. No. It wasn't the right time. Not for her and certainly not for me. Even though she made my heart yearn and ache for many years. Time apart was what we needed to grow, discover and find ourselves. See the world outside of Squahamish.

Deep inside I knew the truth. It was what I told Ellie when we had that talk before she left for Grinnell. Before she kissed me and made my lips long for hers for many nights after. But I didn't tell her that I was talking about a different truth. Not about the knowledge of who was behind the letters nor who's the persona behind SmithCorona but about what I felt for her even before all of it happened. Even before I realized what it was.

Ellie Chu, the only student of color in a sea of white kids other than me. It was one of the reasons why I felt an affinity with her the first time I laid my eyes on her. I thought I would have a hard time through high school due to my Hispanic lineage, but I was wrong. While I got accepted practically by the entire high school and community being the prim and proper outstanding daughter/girlfriend, Ellie became aloof. I've never seen her hang out with anyone except with Paul later on.

It was like her days were spent at home-school-home routine. Of course, I knew about her business. With Trig being one of the customers. God knows how many times I've read her essay the first time I got a hold of that paper. Her words ripped through me. If words can literally give you a whiplash, she certainly did a number on me for many days. I've never felt so understood and challenged at the same time. Thus, began my obsession of her essays-some days I've spent having an internal monologue about why I don't agree with her about one thing. I was intrigued, mystified and fascinated by her. I wanted to know her, talk to her, know her thoughts because I felt that we operated on the same spectrum. I knew that we both love reading and classic literature. But days and years stretched on and I never found the courage to talk to her. I don't know, she just seemed so busy and aloof and I was also busy living my controlled existence keeping up the appearance of an exemplary obedient kid.

Then one day, a letter appeared in my locker. I considered it an answer to what I've been praying for -- an intervention. Perhaps, some sort of guidance to get me out of the suffocating situation I've been finding myself in lately. I wrote back not knowing where it would lead me. All I knew was each letter quenches my thirst for some intellectual connection that I knew I couldn't find with Trig nor with the people I've surrounded myself with. It was a reprieve, a reward for pretending all day. But the words on the letter and the messages suddenly became suspicious to me when I began dating Paul in person. There was just some sort of a disconnect between how Paul talks and acts when we're together and how the letters and the messages were worded. While Paul felt safe, nice and familiar, the letters and messages were not. The messages tugs deep, dangerous thoughts and feelings. It stirred up emotions in me that I never knew were there and it confused me a lot. I felt that I was falling for a different person other than Paul.

Then there it was, Ellie Chu--the subject of my late-night thoughts suddenly hanging out with Paul. I didn't know why I felt jealous when I found her at Paul's after my Sacramento trip. Was I jealous because I was dating Paul or was it because the person I was intrigued with, possibly shared bed with him? Oh, my convoluted thoughts and feelings!

**_"I like the stroke off to the side. Lonely but hopeful."_** she said. My heart twitched a little bit. How did she know? How can she put into words the feelings even me cannot comprehend? Why do I feel like I'm talking to my late-night correspondent? Could it be possible that...? No. I told myself. Not possible.

_**"He'll love it “**_ she added.

**Do you?** \--- I dismissed the thought as soon as it came and summoned the courage and asked her if I could come with her. Later on, I brought her to my secret place. This has been the opportunity I've been waiting for. A chance to talk to her. To know her thoughts. If Ellie was weirded by me, I didn't care. We talked about philosophies, literature, arts, music, pop culture, love and God. I had a never before intellectual blast with her that day. Talking to Ellie, letting some of my dark thoughts escape, my dilemmas, seemed so natural. I never felt judged. I felt encouraged even. Like my feelings were validated.

_**..."I’ve never felt so...understood. It's silly."**_ I chuckled. Feeling a bit insecure for baring my thoughts.

_**"No. It's not...silly" she said.** _The connection was so palpable, my heart just wanna beat out of my chest. She was singing songs and writing poetry only I can hear and read, and I gladly bathed into the intellectual glory that is Ellie Chu. I can do this all day I thought. Everyday. With her. But like everything else good, that day ended.

Later that night, I went to meet Paul. I wanted to confirm something. I wanted to put my theory to test. My feelings and suspicions to test and got my answer.

I went to Paul's game hoping that Ellie would be there. I wanted to talk to her. I wanted to confront her about those letters. Ask her a lot of questions. Her motivations. Why she'd done it. Why me. Why my heart?

I saw her with Paul after the game. Kissing? about to kiss? just finished kissing?

_**...why? is there someone else?**_ I heard Paul.

 _ **"Aster this is not... we're not..."**_ Ellie was trying to say something. She saw me saw them on that compromising situation.

She looked so... guilty? Guilty? Yes. I wanted her to feel guilty. Not for trying to steal Paul from me. I wanted her to feel guilty about something else...for kissing another person other than me. My heart just wanted to burst. Was I jealous that Ellie was with someone else? Before my feelings could betray me, I left. So much for those unanswered questions.

If I felt heartbroken, I wasn't sure. Why would I even feel this way about Ellie? Why would I be jealous in the first place? It's not like there's something going on between us. We're both girls. Yeah. It shouldn't happen. Not gonna happen.

Do you know the feeling that follows having something almost within your grasp and then suddenly taken away right in front of you, not to be seen again? Having the glimpse of something great but not having the power to reach it?

The days went by and I retreated to the old me and resigned to just let things go. Whatever happens, whatever they decide they wanted from me, I'll give it to them. So, when Trig asked me to marry him that day, I simply nodded. Maybe it was it. It was what's all for me. Maybe freedom of choice isn't for me in this life.

But fate has a different plan.

That resounding **_"No!!!"_ **from Ellie. Those words from Paul. Wasn't it what I wanted? A verbal confirmation of what I've suspected before. That my late-night correspondent was real and someone that I can possibly love? So, did she do it because Paul asked her to? Maybe paid her? Or simply because she liked Paul? How could she conjure those words, shove them in my heart, make me feel things, make me fall for them? For what? The pain of reality and betrayal overwhelmed me.

_**"Is this really the boldest stroke that you can make?"** _she asked, looking straight deep inside me.

_**"You."** _was all that I can utter.

You. Who I've naively let into my heart, roused my passion and inspired a thousand thoughts.

You. Who I've unknowingly came to love.

I slapped Paul while looking directly at Ellie's eyes. I wanted her to feel the pain that's crushing me right now. Then I left.

If there were any low point in my life, I think the days that followed were one of them. And when you are at your lowest, you have no other option but to go up. So, I fought my way back to the surface. The idea of moving on from what had happened came easy as the days go by.

_**"Is this really the boldest stroke that you can make?"**_...Ellie's words kept coming back and for some reason, it fueled me to aspire for more.

And one morning I made a bold decision. I don't want to stay here in Squahamish. I want to go to college. I want to paint my thoughts and swirling emotions, meet people, see the world.

That very same day, I painted like I've never painted before. Like a madwoman let loose for the first time in a long time. Like a fool struck with inspiration and is trying his best to catch it before it fades.

Ellie came to see me the day before she left for Grinnell.

_**"I'm sorry." "It was just...supposed to be one letter.""I never meant to hurt you."**_ she said.

 _ **"Deep down I probably knew the truth"**_. I said. The pain was still there but I was already healing. She's done a lot for me than any of my friends has done for the last couple of years. For helping me realize what I truly wanted with my life.

There's so much more I wanted to say to her. I wanted to tell her how she conquered my heart but instead I told her: _**"For what it's worth, it's not like the thought never crossed my mind". "You know, if things were different. Or I was different."**_

Yep. I am sure that I am in love with her. What I am not sure about is how to navigate this new discovery about my sexuality.

_**"You could never be different." "Am I sure I'm different?" "How do I know I'm sure?"** _I heard her say.

Was it a challenge? Is she challenging me again to explore this part of me? Challenge accepted. Game on Ellie Chu. Game on.

_**"Hey, I can be sure". And you know, you, you watch. Okay? In a couple of years, I am gonna be so sure."** _I told her. "Goodluck with that." she said.

And she was smiling at me. Smiling at me as if wanting me to know that she trusts me. That she's confident that I'll be able to do it and find myself.

_**"Find something good in Iowa to believe in, heathen."**_ I told her. For now, it's enough. There's so much more ahead of me. For me. And, for her.

She continued her way and I was content knowing that I've earned a friend in her. I was contemplating of going back to the cafe when I heard her bike clattering on the pavement. I looked ahead and saw Ellie running. Running towards me.

She kissed me. Her lips are warm and soft, and she cupped my face with a delicate passion that I wanted to melt. As if wanting me to feel all her hidden repressed longings and I kissed her with the same fervor. I held her. Letting her know that I feel the same way. It was short but it was a kiss I've never felt before. A kiss imbued with many nights of longing, of understanding. Of hearts trying to reach for each other. Of repressed emotions. Of love.

**_"See you in a couple of years"._** she said.

And here I am.

**_"Miss Flores, Boss is waiting for you. You can come inside."_** the assistant said.

I opened the door and prepared to greet the person that I would collaborate with. But for the life of me, the person standing in front of me is not who I was expecting. Randall Pike right? It was the author's name. So why the hell am I staring right into the eyes of the very person I've been longing to see?

**"Ellie Chu?"**

**"Aster Flores?"**

Continuará...


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Aster Flores, since the day that I wrote those letters, you had my heart in the palm of your hands.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No beta. All mistakes are mine.

"Miss Flores, Boss is waiting for you. You can come inside." the assistant said.

I opened the door and prepared to greet the person that I would collaborate with. But for the life of me, the person standing in front of me is not who I was expecting. Randall Pike right? It was the author's name. So why the hell am I staring right into the eyes of the very person I've been longing to see?

“Ellie Chu?"

"Aster Flores?"

“Hi” I said. Now I'm confused.

"Sorry but am I in the right place? I asked hesitantly.

Ellie has this little smile on her lips. Is she amused?

"You are, Aster", she said.

"Ok. So I know it has been many years since the last time I saw you and it would be rude for me not to ask how you've been but I'm supposed to meet the author Randall Pike?" I told her.

Why do my knees feel weak?

“I am Randall Pike”, she answered.

“Oh my God!” was all that I could say.

Ellie circled the table from where she was standing behind and walked towards me while I just stood dumbfounded. Well, in my defense, I never expected that the person that I sorely missed and the author of the book that I love are one and the same.

“How have you been Aster?” she asked in that all too familiar low, melodious voice while leading me to one of the sofas on the left side of her table.

“Good! Really good”. I responded.

Now that I'm seated and has partially recovered from the initial shock of meeting Ellie again, I have noticed the changes in her appearance. Gone were the round eyeglasses. Brown eyes stare back at me. Contacts. Her dark hair let loose, wearing a white round neck cotton shirt tucked under a gray ankle length pants and a pair of dark oxfords. She looks good and confident and…did she work out? Why does it suddenly feel hot right now?

“How about you?” I asked trying to avert my eyes from her and glancing around the room. The room's lined with books, an office table, a laptop on it.

“I'm good. Been busy for the last couple of years. It's nice seeing you again Aster. It’s been what? 7 years?” Her smile not leaving her face.

“Yes it is”. I said.

“Your paintings are wonderful. Bold strokes huh?” Ellie said as she flipped thru some of the samples that I sent her. “I didn’t have any idea who the artist was before meeting you. I asked Ashley, my assistant, to help me choose the covers but to keep the artists anonymous so I wouldn’t be biased when choosing them.”

These are really good.”

“Thank you. I’m glad you liked them”. I said.

There are a thousand questions running on my mind right now, but this is a business meeting, right? Not some catch up session with a friend. I missed her a lot, but I didn’t want to appear unprofessional, so I pulled up the copy of the contract agreement and said:

“I just have a question about section 3 on the agreement that you sent me…”

The discussion for the revision of the agreement went fast and was too formal for my liking except for some stolen glances when I know Ellie was not looking at me.

The last thing I know, it was already 30 minutes past the scheduled end time and if I don’t leave right away, I might be late for a session with another client.

“Ellie I’m sorry I know I haven’t seen you in a long time, but I need to get to this other meeting.”

“No, it’s OK, but uh, can we meet sometime this week? I know I can email you the revised agreement but I wanna catch up with you…….you know not as a business partner but as a… friend?”

Of course! How’s about Monday? I’m free in the afternoon? Say 5? (did I sound too eager?)

We swapped phone numbers and parted.

I went home that day with my head buzzing with excitement.

7 years and this is where I’ll find her? The existentialist in me is protesting from the word that is popping in my head right now. Serendipity.

Monday came like a breeze and the afternoon summer sun is just setting as I hurriedly walk to our chosen rendezvous. Turned out, I live just 30 minutes away from where Ellie lives.

El Cafecito is a cozy small café in Bellevue Avenue offering espresso drinks and cold brew coffee pastries and different toasts. Its gray walls are lined with paintings of unknown artists. I scanned the place and found Ellie seated at the corner and was waving at me. We greeted each other. I can feel Ellie’s eyes on me while I was settling myself on the chair.

“What? Is there something wrong?” I asked.

“Nothing. I just didn’t expect seeing you wearing tattered jeans, chucks and a t-shirt”. She said.

“Well, people change Ellie. What, do you expect the same girl wearing dresses and a denim jacket hmmm?” I asked smiling at her.

“Yes! I mean, no. You just look different. Yeah. But different in a good way. I’m sorry I might have offended you.” She explained hurriedly.

“No offense taken and FYI, I still wear those dresses and jackets sometimes.” I smiled and winked at her.

She sat there silently. Looking at me, nibbling at her lips as if thinking of something to say. Where was the confidence in her from two days ago?

“I’m not good with small talks, I just want to see you again cos it has been 7 years and I want to catch up.” She blurted out.

And that’s all it took for me to snort a laugh because while Ellie might have changed physically, like physically hot if I may add, she’s still the same awkward Ellie I remember who blurted out her name when I helped her pick up her things in that hallway years ago.

“I missed you.” I said.

It might be absurd for her to hear me say it because we we’re never really that close during high school but then how do I explain that I missed her because in all those 7 years, she kept my heart yearning for her.

“And for the small talk, you can start by asking how I got here.” I added. With that, Ellie relaxed.

“OK, why Los Angeles Aster?” a small smile forming on her lips. And just like that, the awkwardness of meeting again dissipated.

We talked about a lot of things. How college treated us both, what majors we took. I learned that she took a double major in English Literature and Liberal Arts (she told me how Mrs. G vehemently advised her against taking Liberal Arts). How she took some editing jobs and how she started writing her book while still in college. I told her that I enrolled in SDSU and took Bachelor of Fine Arts, supported myself by taking freelance jobs and internships and eventually opening a small art shop in Silverlake.

Turns out, life hasn’t been too hard on us. It was hard I guess, but not cruel.

Since the day we've reconnected, we fell into some sort of a comfortable arrangement. It started with random lunches and dinners. Seeing each other on weekends when we don't have to meet our respective clients. Days were spent watching movies, reading books, long walks at the park, and stargazing. Mundane activities I might say, but the excitement of having her near me always outshines the normalcy of these activities. Ellie has a way of challenging my thoughts, inspiring ideas. An artist's muse capable of drawing out sheer ingenuity out of simplicity.

As the days went by, we slowly found ourselves leaving our things at each other's place. A couple of books here, a journal there, a canvas and a paint brush. Until we can practically work in each other's apartment.

“Hey, Aster, Ellie called me one day. Can I give you a duplicate key to my apartment? So, you can come in if I’m not yet around. You know, I don't want to keep you waiting outside. Just in case it rains or anything. But it’s ok if you don’t want it. It's not that I... “ (is she stuttering?)

“I would love too, Ellie”. I said to cut her from mumbling under her breath.

“And since I'll have your key, it's just right to give you mine if you want to.” I counter offered.

Yeah of course! Sure. Yeah! I mean, tha.. thank you!

“Ellie Chu, you stuttering mess, do I make you nervous?” I teased, as I recall her text messages as SmithCorona years ago.

“Of course not!” she retorted and hung up.

Is it normal for friends to do things like this? No? But it feels right.

I looked at the phone and smiled. Hope blooms in my heart. Is she stuttering because of me? Like how Paul used to stutter when we had our dates? To say that there are butterflies in my stomach is an understatement when I am with her. It’s more like elephant doing somersaults. Does Ellie feel the way that I do? I'd like to think so.

“Do you want to go to that Art exhibit downtown, on Saturday night?” I asked her one day while we’re working at her apartment.

"I heard they’re displaying some of Tim Okamura’s painting. You might find some inspiration there.”

“Ok”, her simple reply.

I want to take her away from work. Ellie can be too focused when she’s working to the point of forgetting her meals and the time of the day. For the last couple of days since I’ve been to her apartment, I can tell that she hasn’t been sleeping well.

Saturday started gloomy with occasional drizzle but that didn’t dampen my mood.

When we came, the gallery was packed especially the area where Okamura’s paintings were. The oil paintings we’re striking, with subjects often diminished to mere backgrounds on some arts but given the focus on his. We passed by portrait after portrait and one caught our attention. It’s the one at the corner away from the flock of people. The one that doesn’t seem to draw the crowd. A large panting of a single black woman in an exceptionally strong pose. We stood before it and took in the subject, the color, the strokes. If there is one thing I felt when I saw the picture, it was strength.

_“She’s mad but she’s magic”._ I uttered absentmindedly while looking at the painting.

 _“There’s no lie in her fire,”_ Ellie finished with barely a whisper.

Ellie’s capacity to finish every line that I quote from the multitude of books that I’ve read is astounding.

“I wager she’s a strong, intelligent, and independent woman.” I declared as I glanced at her.

“Yes, she is.” She’s facing me and is looking deep into my eyes, and for a moment, I felt like she was talking of me, about me.

The rush of people moving towards the painting next to where we were, broke the spell.

“So, do you want to get a drink?” I offered.

The night is young, and I don’t want to part with her. Yet.

“Sure.” was her quick reply.

It was pouring outside when we went out of the pub that we found just a couple of blocks from the gallery. We booked a cab but halfway through our way to my apartment, I asked:

“Hey, it’s pouring, do you want to sleep on my apartment instead?” I can lend you some clothes for the night.”

To be honest, I just couldn’t resist letting her go that night.

And so, began the sleepovers. Late-night work became a regular session. As how Ellie put it, the world is quiet, and we have more room for thought.

One Tuesday night, Ellie took over the sofa and from where I was working, I can only see the top of her head. Suddenly, a soft and quiet sound played and saw Ellie lying on her back on the sofa with a wooden instrument in her hands.

"Hey, not sleepy yet?" I asked as I reach for the pitcher on the refrigerator and poured water on the glass.

“Not yet. I have this idea, but I can't seem to organize and put it into words. I was hoping playing would help. Sorry. did I disturb you?”

“No, you didn't. What's that actually?"

“It's a Kalimba” she explained. Showing the instrument to me.

"I learned playing it while in college. Other instruments are bulky and with the limited space on the college dorms this one is the reasonable musical instrument to have.

“You have way with words, you're a great pianist, you can also play the guitar, highly intelligent, is there anything else that you can't do Ellie Chu?" I enumerated as I approach her.

This woman doesn't stop impressing me. While I can go head to head on a debate with her about philosophy, literature and arts, playing a musical instrument is not something I've learned.

“If there's something I can't do, my dear, that is to sing like you.”

...did she just call me dear? Was it just a slip of a tongue or is she flirting with me right now? I don’t take Ellie for a person to use those words of endearment. Trying to recover from the thrill of her addressing me as such, I challenged her:

“There’s one thing that you can't do, dear.” I purred and mirrored the word. Oh, two can do this.

“And what do you think is that?” she responded; her interest piqued.

“I bet you can't dance Ellie Chu.” Touching my finger near her collarbone.

With that Ellie rose and stood facing me.

“Are you sure about it?” Ellie asked. Her right eyebrow raising to show her defiance.

“Never been so sure”. I confidently said.

“Challenge is on Aster Flores.”

Then she took her phone. And the next thing I know, Michael Buble is playing with a full volume on. She slowly walked towards me and said...

“You never specified what kind of dance anyway, and I have to tell you, I learned a thing or two from dancing at the parties while I was in college.”

“So Aster Flores, come here and dance with me”, she commanded as she stood close to me, took my hands and put them on each of her shoulders while she slowly placed hers at the small of my back and started to slow dance.

Her lips were suspended between a smirk and a smile. “Who's dancing now?” she teased, her eyes with a glint of mischief. And I was swept away by her nearness.

_Another summer day has come and gone away_

_In Paris and Rome But I wanna go home, mmm_

_May be surrounded by A million people I_

_Still feel all alone Just wanna go home Oh, I miss you, you know_

This close, I can see the brown in her eyes, her delicate smooth skin and her soft lips. I can smell the faint hint of her shampoo. Lavender. And I can’t help but recall how she held me that day in the middle of the road.

_And I've been keeping all the letters That I wrote to you_

_Each one a line or two I'm fine baby, how are you?_

_Well I would send them, but I know That it's just not enough_

_My words were cold and flat And you deserve more than that_

Her fingers tucked the hair that fell on my face to my right ear, her touch, electric. Eyes never leaving mine. My heart is beating erratically. My throat gone dry. Does she know her effect on me?

_Another airplane Another sunny place_

_I'm lucky I know But I wanna go home Mmm,_

_I got to go home_

Home. Yes. Ellie felt like home. Warm, comforting, peaceful. Since I left home, the day my father kicked me out for outing myself, I’ve longed for something or someone to come home to. Someone that I can always go back to when life gets too hard and too cold. Someone who will welcome me with open arms and chase the pain of loneliness.

Her eyes- flicking back and forth from my eyes to my lips as if waiting for a permission. Our lips just a mere inch of touching and I can feel the small puffs of her breath on mine. I looked at her and I saw desire and thought she would go for it, but then she closed her eyes, touched her forehead with mine and with a sigh, she whispered: "it's getting late. You need to sleep”.

"Yeah, we should." I whispered back and looked her in the eyes and was greeted by full blown irises. Her chest heaving.

I let her go, turned my back and said goodnight. And in the warmth of my bed and in the stillness of the night, I whispered one question.

"What are we to each other?"

The days dragged on and I felt that I was gradually losing my patience. It’s been 7 years of waiting and honestly, we’ve been dancing around this for quite some time. It's hard hiding this enormous attraction for her and you know what happens when you hide something? It grows and it fester, and it drives you nuts.

There were days when it feels too much and I just want to pin her against the wall, kiss her and confess everything that I felt for her. But that would be uncharacteristically me wouldn't it? The prim and proper Aster Flores, forcing herself on someone because she can’t control her urges.

Does she like me enough to take the first leap and tell me how she feels? What if she doesn’t feel the same way? What if I’m reading the signs wrong? If she doesn’t, then how can we explain the lingering touches and the fleeting glances? The late-night conversations that ends up almost kissing each other. The lunches and dinners that ends at the doors of each other’s apartment, each reluctant to part, nor to say goodnight.

Now, I know that I promised Ellie that one day I will be so sure. Of my choices, of my sexuality, of my feelings and I am now. Heck, I’ve been sure about it 6 months after I entered college. But my certainty about myself and my feelings we’re clouded with indecision and fear. To be or not to be?

The day I left Squahamish, was the first time I truly felt free. It was the first risk I’ve taken. It was exhilarating but addicting. From then on, I’ve taken chances and choices. I’ve crashed and burned willingly to see what’s for me at the end of each choice and right now, God help me because I cannot bear this anymore and I will take that plunge regardless if I drown.

Bold strokes, right?

So, the next morning, I decided to visit her. I passed by Ashley’s desk when I entered. I know that she doesn’t come in except when she and Ellie needed to make revisions on Ellie’s works.

I summoned my courage. This is it. All or nothing. I can do this.

No, I can’t.

Ellie. Pinned against the wall, on an intense lip lock with another woman.

I slowly retreated to the door and left without making any sound.

How I got back to my apartment was a blurry.

The irony! I laughed trough my tears. I was the one planning to pin her against the wall. 7 years of waiting for nothing. How can I be so naïve? Expecting her to wait for me to be sure of myself? Holding on to something I barely even have? Holding on to the words of a girl who just got out of high school.

_See you in a couple of years_ -those words now taste bitter in my mouth. How did I fall for that? Come to think of it, she didn’t even try to find me in between those years. How foolish of me. I don’t know which one hurts more, seeing her with someone else or waiting this long just to find out that it was for naught. I feel like I was reliving the same scene 7 years ago only now, it wasn’t Paul and it hurts more because right now, I am sure that I love her.

I cried myself to sleep. When I woke up, the room was dark except for the light coming through my window. I checked my phone for the time: 10 PM and 7 missed calls. I didn’t bother to open them. My heart is broken, and I have a gnawing headache. I’m nursing my pain and for now, the world can burn for all I care.

I padded my way to the kitchen to get some water. I can feel the sting in my eyes from crying. I was pouring my second glass when I heard someone knock. I don’t have any intention of opening the lights nor letting anyone enter. Nor seeing my miserable reflection on anything. Not right now. I heard the knock again, so I groped my way to the door out of curiosity. I never had any visitors since I moved here, and no one ever dared to knock on my door except for one. Except for…

‘Aster, I know you’re there. Please, let me in. I need to talk to you.”

What is she doing here? I mean, really, why is she knocking on my door when she has a key?

“You have a key”. I told her as I opened the door. What are you doing here? I asked flatly.

“I know. But I want to give you an option not to see me if you don’t want to.” Ellie said while turning on the floor lamp beside the door.

"And what if I decided that I don't want to see you?" I countered.

"Then, maybe I'll just sleep outside."she said not looking at me. God, this woman!

“You want to talk? Go ahead.” I moved and slumped on one end of the sofa hoping that Ellie will get the hint that I want her to take the opposite side. Looks like the day isn’t done with me yet. Bring it on then.

I sat expectantly and Ellie seemed to be hesitating and her eyes, so sad yet so kind. I can’t take this, so I averted my eyes and looked down at my hands. I can feel the hairs on my nape raising from the looming rejection.

“Aster”, she said as if in pain. She sat on the opposite end of the sofa and, as if praying, closed her eyes, took a deep breath and looked at me.

Her name is Lori. We were together for a year. Our relationship was over 10 months before we met again. What you saw, isn’t what you think it was."

OK, so I’m not being rejected, am I? But what about the kiss? I asked internally.

“The kiss”, she continued as if reading my mind, “what you saw, I don’t know how to explain it. She took me by surprise. But in fairness to her, she was the one who asked me to go after you.”

So that woman saw me then huh. “Why would she do that?”, I blurted out.

“Because show knows that I lo…she knows that we were never going to work. Because of you. For 7 years, the relationships that I had were dysfunctional because of you”, she said “and it’s not your fault. I just can’t…gaaahhh!” she said, frustration evident and I saw tears at the corner of eyes and I just couldn’t allow it. I reached for her and hugged her, placed her head on the crook of my neck.

“Hey, take your time." I said. “I’m listening. I’m not going anywhere. I’m not gonna run like I did years ago.”

I can’t bear to see her like this. If the Greeks were right about the pain that the other half feels when the other half suffers, I surely felt it. Wait, did I just consider myself as Ellie’s other half?

We stayed like that for a couple of minutes until I felt her stir. I let my arms loose and let her go. She moved back to the opposite side of the sofa and with the gentleness in her eyes, said:

Aster, I…for 7 years, I waited for you and now…, as if Ellie had a sudden realization, she started again. Now surer about what she wanted to convey.

_“You wish for something, you've wanted it for years, and you're sure you want it, as long as you know you can't have it.”_

I recognized the lines instantly, Michael Ende.

 _“But if all at once it looks as though your wish might come true, you suddenly find yourself wishing you had never wished for any such thing.”_ I finished.

Her eyes brightened and she sighed a breath of relief, knowing that I understood where she’s coming from.

She’s right. For 7 years, I wished to find her, to be with her and now that she’s with me, I don’t know what to do, we’ve both been dancing around our feelings. Scared to take the next step, or at least I was until this morning. Scared of rejection. There was a nagging question in my head though.

“You said you’ve waited for me for 7 years Ellie. What happened in between? Because for 7 years, whenever I come back in Squahamish, I tried to seek you, but I couldn’t find you. Paul was so loyal to you he wouldn’t give me any information on your whereabouts.” I wanted her to know that I waited for her too.

“4 years ago, during Spring break, I was there in Squahamish. I wanted to talk to you. I wanted to reconnect, but you were with someone else”. Ellie looked at me with pain in her eyes.

“I understood why you wouldn't hold on to my words. I told you before that I'll see you in a couple of years and I meant it. I couldn’t blame you if you took those words lightly--we just barely got out of high school and I know that you were in the process of self-discovery. Many things were bound to change. I expected that you would change but I didn’t expect the pain of seeing you with someone else. So, I avoided you as long as I could.”

"The words that I said, I may have said them in a hurry, but those words hold a promise. It was a promise to you. Because, Aster Flores, since the day that I wrote those letters, you had my heart in the palm of your hands.”

I crashed my lips to hers, and that night, we made love.

There's so much that we need to talk about but we’ve waited long enough. No more of that.

_**One year after...** _

I woke up and found a note on the bedside table.

_My affections and wishes have not changed, but one word from you will silence me forever._

_If, however, your feelings have changed, I will have to tell you: you have bewitched me, body and soul, and I love, I love, I love you. -Jane Austen._

Come find me downstairs dear wife. I prepared a sumptuous breakfast. - Ellie.

This is how I wake up most days, love notes, tucked everywhere around our house. That’s what I got for marrying a savvy reader and a prolific writer. The muse of my arts, the one who never failed to keep my heart racing. The one I call home.

I can do this. With her. Every day. In the next couple of years. Maybe forever.

_Fin._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed it. Please know that I appreciate your comments and it's what helped me finish the story.
> 
> Let me know what you think. :)


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